


but i could only look down

by smallblueandloud



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Arguing, First Bartlet Campaign, Multi, Polyamory, Pre-Canon, crossposted from tumblr but now with an actual logical argument progression that i OUTLINED, this isn't a HAPPY ending but they're pining. is that not what we're all here for, what is cjtoby if not inherently FULL of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28901556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallblueandloud/pseuds/smallblueandloud
Summary: “CJ,” he says, bracing himself for the big guns. “CJ, tell me you don’t love us and I’ll drop it. Tell me you left because you didn’t love us anymore, and I will walk out of this room and we can never speak of this again.”“Toby-”(or, it's been years since cj walked out on toby and andy, and he's ready to ask her to come back. things don't go to plan.)
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt/Toby Ziegler, C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18





	but i could only look down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [heylovely_itsme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylovely_itsme/gifts).



> I KNOW IT'S BEEN WEEKS SINCE I SAID I WOULD PUBLISH THIS. i'm sorry, it's been A Week (when isn't it?). this is a rewrite of a fic i posted last may [on tumblr](https://smallblueandloud.tumblr.com/post/618763455562907648/hi-cjtoby-or-cjtobyandy-love-confessor-and)! originally requested by aleena / claudiasjeancregg, who is wonderful in every way and has been my enabler for this ot3 since... we met, basically, lol. she was also the first person to post in the ao3 ship tag! everyone go read her fic!
> 
> title is from sleeping at last's _six_. enjoy!

They go up to the governor after his speech. The crowds are still small these days, easy to push through, but Toby knows they’ll get bigger. Leo McGarry notices them at his elbow and puts his hand on Governor Josiah Bartlet’s shoulder.

Bartlet smiles at the constituent he’s charming. “Yes, I’d be happy to discuss that with you later, but right now my jerk best friend is tearing me away. What is it, Leo?”

CJ has stars in her eyes. Toby knows the feeling. It’s hard to listen to a speech by Jed Bartlet without feeling optimistic, even stumping for tiny crowds. He has dreams, sometimes, about what it’ll be like on the national stage.

“Jed,” says Leo, his arm around Bartlet’s shoulders. He inclines his head at them. “This is CJ Cregg. She’s going to be doing our press for us, I hope?”

“Nice to meet you, Governor Bartlet,” says CJ, shaking his hand. “I can definitely help with some of the more short-term business, but I’m not sure what my bigger plans are. Right now, I’m here as a favor to Toby.”

“Toby?” asks Bartlet, narrowing his eyes. CJ starts to look at Toby next to her, where he’s been standing this whole time, and Bartlet lightly smacks his head against his forehead. “Right. Of course. Good old Toby!”

“Jed,” says Leo, at Bartlet’s elbow, and Bartlet’s bemused expression turns apologetic.

“Sorry, kids, but duty calls. Nice to meet you, Ms. Cregg. I hope you can help us out!” Turning, he and Leo vanish into the crush of people.

Next to him, CJ sighs. “Not great with names, is he?”

“No, not really,” says Toby. “He’s not... he’s not really a perfect politician.”

“But he’s a good man, huh?” asks CJ. She knows him better than to wait for an answer. “Certainly a great speaker.”

“Yeah,” says Toby, and clears his throat. “You don’t have a room, do you?”

“You’ve been with me since we got off the plane,” she says, her voice light. “No, I don’t.”

“You can- you can sleep on my couch, if you want.”

“Just like old times, huh?” asks CJ, carefully not looking at him.

“Something like that,” says Toby.

* * *

“No, no- no, shut up,” says CJ, laughing. “It’s not my fault that all the candidates you ever picked were losers.”

“I didn’t- they weren’t all losers!” protests Toby. They’re sitting on the floor up against the bed, staring at the wall together. “We won a few elections!”

“Mm hmm,” says CJ, self-satisfied in the way she gets when she’s relaxed. “ _So_ few elections.”

They’re not drunk, but Toby feels like it, exhausted after two cross-country flights in two days. CJ isn’t tired enough to be as giggly as she is, but he thinks she’s just letting herself relax after a long, long time. They haven’t seen each other for a year, since she visited them for a weekend in DC after Andy was elected, and he knows she doesn’t have any close friends in California. There’s nothing like the steady swell of love in his chest when she relaxes around him.

“What does Leo need me to do?” asks CJ, her head slowly tilting to lean on his shoulder.

He freezes. “We need someone to talk to the press, basically,” he says, his voice miraculously steady. “Figure out which issues we should bring up, and when. Get the major news groups interested in us.”

“Oh, so nothing much,” drawls CJ. “Just everything.”

“Yeah, just that.”

They sit there in comfortable silence. He’s only ever been able to smile like this around two people. He wasn’t ready to give up on this when she left him and Andy and the life they’d built together, and he still isn’t ready now. He promised Andy he would finally get answers, and he’s going to. “CJ-”

She must recognize his tone, because she lifts her head off his shoulder. The mood evaporates. “No.”

“CJ-”

She’s not looking at him. “Toby, no.”

“Before I say anything else, I’m specifying that that Andy has agr-”

“We _stopped,_ Toby,” says CJ, turning to look at him. “We aren’t going through this again. We’re not stupid enough to do this again. I live in California, you two are married, I’m- Andy’s in _Congress,_ for god’s sake, and you’re working on a national campaign-”

“It’s tiny,” he says, patiently, because he can see the way she’s faltering before they’ve even begun. CJ never gives up on an argument she wants to win. “No one’s paying attention to us. We can do whatever we want and no one will care, because no one’s even _heard_ of the governor of New Hampshire.”

“They will,” says CJ, glancing up at the ceiling. “They- God, Toby, you’re a writer, you see it. This one’s different. You heard him talk tonight.”

She’s asking him to let it go. He doesn’t say anything.

“Besides, Toby-” she gestures somehow, “-Leo McGarry’s on this campaign, and people will pay attention to that. Josh Lyman jumped ship from the Russell campaign to be here, and people will pay attention to that. _You’re_ here, Toby, and you might be a goddamn fool but people know that you pick good people as candidates. They’ll pay attention to that.”

“You done?”

CJ stares at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“We can _hide_ this,” says Toby. “Or what, were you not there for the first seven years?”

“Right,” says CJ, laughing a little. Bitter laughter, the worst sound she makes. “Right, of course, because no one will look into Andy Wyatt, the firecracker representative from Maryland who will make enemies everywhere she goes. No one will look for dirt on her. She’s not going to hold herself back, Toby, not for you or me or us, and you know that just as well as I do.”

Toby sits back against the bed. “She would for you.”

He watches her freeze, staring out into space. He knows what it feels like to be confronted with the force of Andy’s love, the way it only sinks in when you watch it overpower everything else about her. Andy would probably hold herself back for him too. But he’s not the kind of guy to ask for it. He chooses his candidates carefully, enough that he can trust their choices. It'll be the same with Bartlet, someday, but now Andy’s the only candidate he and CJ are backing.

He’s known for choosing good people.

He sighs. “Listen, CJ.” He shifts, putting his shoulder against the hard baseboard of the bed. “I know you don’t want to talk about this. I know you wish we could all pretend nothing ever happened between us. But...”

He doesn’t reach out and take her hand, but he wants to. “Jeanie, give me one good reason why you don’t want to do this, and I’ll back off. One reason, that’s not an excuse about politics or the media or whatever else, because you know I don’t care about that, and I promise Andy doesn’t either.”

“I don’t _need_ to give you a reason!” says CJ, her eyes flashing.

“That’s true,” he says, quiet, “you don’t have to. But I know you, CJ Cregg, and I know this isn’t what you want.”

She stares at him, looking stricken. It occurs to him that this is probably the worst way he can betray her, using the way he knows her -- and his very job title -- to sidestep her arguments.

Well. All’s fair, right?

“CJ,” he says, bracing himself for the big guns. “CJ, tell me you don’t love us and I’ll drop it. Tell me you left because you didn’t love us anymore, and I will walk out of this room and we can never speak of this again.”

“Toby-”

“Because somehow, I don’t think that’s the case! I saw the way you looked at Andy that weekend in DC. God, CJ-” he says, running his hand over his head, “-I see the way you look at _me_. We still love you. _I_ still love you. And I just... God help me, I can’t understand why-”

She kisses him.

It feels like the first time, despite the thousands of times they must have kissed in Boston. He hasn’t been this close to her in years. CJ stayed in a hotel when she visited them in DC, planned things so she wasn’t alone with them for more than twenty minutes at a time, didn’t allow any emotional talk, and went to the airport alone.

He’s missed her, missed this, missed loving her up close. He loves Andy more than breathing, but CJ is his equal in every way, the one who questions every choice he makes and always, always knows better. He doesn’t want to do this without either of them. He wants to bring her _home._

As if she’d read his mind, CJ pulls back suddenly. “No,” she says, and stands up. “We’re not doing this.”

“You’re the one who kissed me,” he says, spreading his hands and laughing a little. He’s still sitting on the floor. “This is all you.”

“No,” she says, “it’s your fault, saying- oh, come on, Toby, don’t look at me like that. This can’t happen.”

“Why not?” asks Toby. He stands up, considers stepping closer but decides against it. This is what will do it. This is what will make or break it. “Give me your reason, CJ, and I’ll stop asking.”

CJ closes her eyes. “The American public.”

“Stop saying- CJ, why are you so _obsessed_ with what the press will think?”

“It’s my whole job!” she yells. “That’s my whole job! I obsess over what the press will think! Andy-”

“Andy wants this just as much as I do. As we do! Stop trying to-” he searches for the right words, knowing that he’s wrong, regretting it as he speaks, “-make decisions for her, stop trying to _manage_ her! She forbade both of us from doing that a long time ago.”

“This will ruin her,” says CJ, not shouting anymore. The conviction is there. She hasn’t been more sure of herself all night, and Toby feels the sinking in his stomach before he registers it. This is CJ at her most obstinate, her most stubborn. This is CJ when she will _never_ back down. “I’m not doing that to her. I’m not doing that to either of you. I want to work on this campaign, Toby, and I want to work with you again, and I want to get Josiah Bartlet elected president, because I think he’s a good man and he’ll be a better president.”

She stops to take a breath. Her eyes are wet. He’s not sure if she’s noticed. “But if you won’t stop asking me for- for _this,_ I’m walking out that door and I’m flying back to California. Okay?”

Toby stares at her.

She glares back, every way his equal.

Long seconds stretch out between them.

Finally, he says, “Fine.”

“Fine?”

“Fine,” he repeats. “You’re my best friend, CJ. Nothing else. As long as that’s what you want.”

“It is,” she says, and sounds like she’s trying to convince herself just as much as him. “I’m going to bed.”

“Night, CJ.”

“Goodnight, Toby.”

When the door closes, he’s left standing there, rubbing his jaw like she’d punched him.

 _Dammit,_ he thinks, and turns to call Andy.

**Author's Note:**

> AND THEN THEY SPEND EIGHT YEARS WORKING FOR BARTLET AND NEVER SAYING A _WORD_ TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THIS. that is a lie, they kiss the night they get the nomination and probably a few other times too, but it's still VERY angsty :D i keep meaning to work on The Great CJ/Andy/Toby Epic. one day i'll get to it lmao. i am [on tumblr](https://smallblueandloud.tumblr.com) and ALWAYS up to talk about these three! thank you for reading <3


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